I NEVER GET SHOTGUN

Third game of the season, and what are the chances of having three actual football results rather than crazy schoolboy scores. Well this one was 0-0. Another good performance by the defence (unlike the friendlies) and too few shots on target again. To be fair Kings Of Leon had an excellent shot saved by the comedy terrorist but deserved to be booked for his Klinsmannesque acrobatics in the box. Talking of Klinsmann, the Kaiser's goal celebrations were a tad premature as his goal was ruled out for offside. Much huffing and protest ensued, but the referee's decision is final. What's missing is some ruthlessness in front of goal.

Anyway - team:



What other news you cry? None.

Disappointing albums #1. Franz Ferdinand - You Could Have It So blah blah blah

Bored of being homeless. Bored of looking at flats. Even more bored of estate agents. Are they all complete nobs? The one on Saturday turned up 15 minutes late, having not prepared because he didn't have a load of keys, with his regulation mid 20s estate agent haircut and driving an H-reg Porsche. Not a good look.

SCIENCE AND PROGRESS

The posts here have gone from the mindless ramblings I had hoped to bring the immortal few who would come here, to actual real life stories. For that I can only apologise. House difficulties have arisen over the last few weeks, from being one day away from signing papers to having to start all over again after pullingout myself of buying this place. Of course I am bitter. The seller is an absolute arse and the place he was selling was a complete shithole. I will buy a better flat with monkey butlers and a fireman's pole down the middle. A young Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd will be my neighbours and we will have hilarious adventures.

Second game on Sunday. A glorious 3-1 win. Again only 11 men as the Bernies were at Reeksy's wedding. Team was:



This is the start of a good season, perhaps. No whining, team playing together as one. Good goals. Hurrah.

B-b-b-b-bennie & The Jets.

THE CHINAMAN IS NOT THE ISSUE

What can I say? What can I say? Sunday's football was a strange affair. Bickering, only 11 men showed and an alarming lack of shots on goal. In the end we lost 1-0.

Team was:


But let us not dwell on that. Let us dwell on this.

Who knows what will happen. I for one will not. It's not that I don't know, it's just that I've forgotten.

Homeless for nineteen days and counting.

PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE TO COME BY AND MOW MY LAWN

The last of the friendlies was last night. Of course we won 7-5, a disastrous defending first half with mid field and defence at sixes and sevens with the long ball. The team for last night was as follows:



We wore the black kits for the first time since their airing in Bratislava. Looking like vicars, we strode out onto the hallowed plastic turf.

Previous unreported friendlies were a 4-4 draw and a 5-1 victory. First game on Sunday. What will the team be? Only the gaffer knows, and even he'll leave it until the last minute.

The turnout is expected to be high. Many players now have wives and some actually have friends. Many questions will also be asked. Will Bernie turn up mashed? Will Andy have cut The Cock? Does Paul have a thing for Brazilian boys? Find out next week.

I WAS BORN TO RUB YOU

Lo and behold, two Steve Guttenberg film os UK terrestrial television yesterday. The sublime Cocoon, which we can now see is more of an ensemble cast rather than a Guttenberg vehicle, and Police Academy, a breathtaking piece of cinema.

Hopefully this prophecy will continue, so therefore over the coming weeks we will be looking at the movies of Chevy Chase and the death of John Candy.

Chevy Chase was always destined to descend, as he set himself such high standards.

The first football game of the season, a friendly, yesterday resulted in a triumphant win. The score was either 7-0 or 8-0. Kaiser scored a remarkable 6, and the gaffer went upfront in the last ten to score a poacher's goal.

Team:

TIME SPEEDS BY IN THE FORM OF A NEON SNAKE

What of Steve Guttenberg?

Police Academy - 1984
Police Acedemy 2 - 1985 (Quick turnaround or early franchise realisation)
Cocoon - 1985
Police Academy 3 - 1986
Short Circuit - 1986 (No. 1 Box office draw by this time)
Police Academy 4 - 1987 (And to think you had to wait 3 years between Star Wars films)
Three Men And A Baby - 1987 (This man is prolific)
High Spirits - 1988
Cocoon: The Return - 1988
Three Men & A Little Lady - 1990

And then nothing until 1995 where Guttenberg had a string of bad reviews and no leads to remember.

How can one man fly so high for that 6 year period but then fall from grace with such velocity. It wasn't even as if Three Men & A Little Lady was a bad film.

Come back Steve Guttenberg. We miss you.

THANKS TCHAIKOVSKY. THANKOVSKY

Well the response to the picture of Richie Benaud was unprecedented. Many people want to know more about Richie and what sort of things he likes. So here goes:

FACT! Richie is not his real name. It's Richard.

FACT! Benaud is pronounced Benno.

FACT! Richie used to be a professional Cricket player.

FACT! Richie's parents were both turtles.

FACT! Richie is from Australia.

FACT! Richie is 74 years old (even though he looks 149)

An here's some more pictures of Richie to keep you ladies company on those long lonely nights at sea.

I'LL WAGER HE HAS SOME KIND OF WALKING CLOCK IN THERE

This just in. There was a third K-9 film: K-9:P.I. IMDB calls this film 'Truly funny' and the plot reads as 'Dooley and his K-9 partner Jerry Lee are ready to retire from the police force. But before he can retire with his pension he must work as a P.I. to find a set of high tech computer chips.' To be honest, it sounds awesome and whould be view immediately.




In other news, Cricket fever is sweeping the nation. The Department of Names (DoN) has reported a 400% rise in boys called Freddie and an unprecedented 2000% rise in girls being named Benaud.















Benaud yesterday: A handsome man and a good name

NAY BUSHI SHANG HONG

K-911 is the best name for a sequel ever. It's genius, because it works on two levels, or even three.

For starters K-9 is pronounced the same as canine, which basically means dog. K-9 also sounds like a police call, as the film is about a police dog. If it is actually a police call then it's not as clever as previously thought.

But the name of the sequel is sublime. For starters it still has the original title of K-9 in the sequel title. Secondly, 911 is the phone number to call for the police in America, where the film is set. Thirdly, and this is the best bit, lots of sequels use roman numerals to number their films e.g Rocky IV, Star Wars Episode V, Police Academy XXVII, so K-911 can easily be seen as K-9 II, rather than K-9 2, which doesn't have the same ring to it.

K-911 = genius. If anyone has actually seen the film, please leave a review. James Belushi lost it after Curly Sue.

LEE CARVALLO'S PUTTING CHALLENGE

Being able to breakdance would be fun. Being able to Skateboard would turn heads. To be able to play the drums to Moby Dick would be good too. But if these are too much, settle for knowing all the lines to Fletch.

DID SOMEONE STEP ON A DUCK?

Finally, the proof we've needed. Sir Richard Attenborough did not write Unchained Melody. Shame on you Dickie, shame on you.

YOU CAN'T DUST FOR VOMIT

Myth Expulsions part 1

Centaurs were made up and never existed. And if they did they certainly weren't real.

CLICK HERE FOR FURTHER INFORMATION

WILL MAN EVER FLY UNAIDED?

A question that has left scientists breathless for less than 47 seconds. Results: inconclusive.