Confidence. Certainly not the habitual voyeur of what is known as.
Jesus Christ, you'd think that after 30 years, ok 15 years, I might have actually developed some. Let's put this straight; unless it's about a certain song or band, I have no confidence in what I'm saying. Actually, there was a point at a wedding recently where someone asked me what my passion was. I said music and started talking about it, only to get this realisation that everyone was actually listening to me and I felt very self conscious and didn't like it.
So I have little to no self confidence. It took me 29 years to work out who I was, and then I went and changed everything. It took me 29 years to be comfortable with who I was and what I'd become and then I go and throw myself onto a bed of nails. Some people would say that that is commendable. I say it's pretty foolish. Aren't we all looking for the easy life; something I asked the great Josh Rouse once. Well, I asked him if he was just looking for the easy life and his reply was "Aren't we all?" He is right. But we can't be bored, otherwise we might aswell end our life straight away, because life won't get any more interesting.
At moments when I'm feeling very, how can I say this, tested, I have to remind myself where I was before. In the same job for almost 8 years surrounded by no one I cared for, let alone liked, out of my one and only (failed) relationship having gone nowhere for the last 5 years except into my own place, which is now riddled with damp (an overstatement). So I had to change, I had to.
But when you throw yourself into something incredibly difficult then the confidence is bound to diminish. I may have little self-confidence, but quite frankly I'd really dislike myself if I did.
If only I could live my life two pints pissed. But then I'd be an alcoholic.
Listening to Mars Volta
Marking Sci-Fi stories
And look - the trailer for The Damned United. I'm so excited I'm posting before I've even seen it.